What do we do?
When God diagnoses you with a mental illness, who do you call? When He strips you of your loved one due to cancer, how do you cope? When the worst that was yet to come has finally hit, what do you have now?
One of my most recent entries in my prayer journal read:
“Dear god. i am pissed.”
It was this honest, bold and outright declaration that my King and Creator angered me by intruding my rights (or at least so I perceived).
It was this outpouring of rage and envy and fear and anxiety and hurt and shame and guilt. It was this vocal, ugly cry as I yelled, “I BELIEVE. HELP MY UNBELIEF.”
sometimes, I think god hates me.
Paulina lives in Germany. Colin kicks ass in New York. Sarah slays in Burbank. Hysell is getting married, Hunter is working on a med degree, Rachel was promoted.
Here I am, stuck in my personal Nineveh, sitting in my bitter barn, counting a lack of hearts on my Gram pics because I don’t live and flourish in some young, hip, thriving metropolis.
The other day, I just about had it. I was moments from trashing my Bible and saying, “Yeah. I’m done with those whole God thing.”
But I phoned my friend Kelsy instead. She said this:
“Take everything you feel, and speak what you know.”
Who even says that?! Who filled her with that wisdom and knowledge and power?
OH YEAH. Jesus Man. Hate that guy.
I felt beaten and bruised and betrayed. It’s like Jesus didn’t invite me with the other little kids to sit on his lap as he talked about his Dad.
I know Jesus Man is good *eye roll.* I know he promises to stay the same. I know he fights for good things to come my way.
I believe. Help my unbelief.
It’s OK to wrestle with unbelief, especially when God just doesn’t seem good. Especially when you knock on the door and the lights are on, and yet He doesn’t answer.
It’s OK to say, “Jesus Man. You are pissing me off.” Because he can and does and will if he hasn’t already done so. Because he will be the very best and very hardest thing you have ever chosen to love and commit to.
When God’s not working, we have faith He is. When God’s not talking, we remember His voice. When God’s not good, we believe He is. And He helps our unbelief.