“Do you think I’ll ever be able to fall in love?”
One of my best gals asked. She recently ended a short-lived relationship with a guy when they realized there was a lack of feelings on both ends.
I was surprised she even asked this question.
“If you have the capacity to love Jesus, you have the capacity to fall in love. If you are the bride of Christ, you can be a bride one day.”
It wasn’t until I jumped on my you-are-loved-and-can-love soapbox I realized I didn’t believe the words I said applied to me.
I’m afraid I’ll never be wife material.
Not because I can’t cook. Not because I have piles of clothes on a wicker chair in my room. Not because I simply don’t think I’ll ever have the time or energy or emotions to date.
But because I have this underlying and innate security: will I ever be enough? Feminine enough? Gentle enough? Selfless enough?
Will I ever obtain the capacity to love and be loved in this radical, transforming, shout-it-from-the-mountains way? Will I ever find someone who I can dive headfirst into, disregarding my own desires and wants and placing his needs before my own?
I get caught up in my own world: owning my job, exercising often, watching The Mindy Project with my roomie, going to church. Microwaving Ramen, having one-man jam seshes, camping out at coffeeshops.
I don’t think I can ever get caught up in someone else. Surely that takes time I cannot give. Surely that takes energy I cannot muster. Surely that takes emotions I do not even know how to feel.
I’m caught up in Christ and he’s caught up in me.
I’m caught up in the mercy I awake to, the grace I go to bed to. The mercy that says, “You will fail today but I will love you.” The grace that coos, “You are flawed but you are mine.”
I’m caught up in how he blows me away: living, dying, living again for me. Showing me God is good and will give me every good and perfect gift — even when I don’t see them in the moment.
I’m caught up in the love he lavishes on me when I am selfish and cruel and distant. When I don’t open my Bible for weeks because I hit the snooze button too often. When I don’t tithe because I’m greedy and anxious about paying bills.
He’s caught up in how I choose him everyday. He’s caught up in how I devote my thoughts, actions and words to him. He’s caught up in how I believe truly everything is spiritual, every conversation and interaction and motivation. Every breath of every moment I live.
One day, I might be caught up in someone else.
I might meet someone who gives me mercy and grace and love I cannot deny, I cannot run from. I might meet someone who serves me simply because he can, simply because he’s kind. And I might serve him in return, simply because he’s the best thing that’s ever walked this planet.
I might meet someone to whom I can devote all of my time, energy and emotions. Someone who I can know deeply and be known deeply by. Someone who can calm all of my anxieties and point me to Jesus daily.
Someone who inspires me. Someone who stretches me. Someone who walks with me through valleys and up to mountains and back through valleys again. Someone who keeps his promises and I can do the same in return.
Until then, I’m caught up in my world and in Jesus. I’m caught up in my passions and desires and dreams. I’m caught up in serving my community, loving friends and family, diving deep into knowing who I am and whose I am.
Until then and for always, I’m the bride of Christ.